my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
