If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
zippers are such a cool invention
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
