Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
