i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
