do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
