Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
