I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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