Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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