I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
