i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
