he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
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Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
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If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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