He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
