you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
