I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Randomize
