I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
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I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
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I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
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