I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I think I died a long time ago.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
