I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
