i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
