i just sent this text using only my big toe
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
