Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
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