i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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