**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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