My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
