It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
