You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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