You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i drank out of a bidet.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
