i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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