Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
