i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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