if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
