Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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