it wasn't lemon gatorade
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
