Your tits are I can't wait for
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
