I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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