Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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