I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
