It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
