why didn't you poke me back
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
