Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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