Do you still have your period?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
