Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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