i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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