i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
