You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
