I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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