you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
