first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!