Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
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Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
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Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.