I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Woke up backwards on a recliner
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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