I murdered the dance floor call the cops
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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