Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I stole a fireplace last night.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
