Non-Jews are for practice
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
