"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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