I'm so fucking centered right now
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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