you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
