Jerry, you need to find god
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
