i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
