Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
