Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
