Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
