So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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