sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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